


Change In All Things Is Sweet

by MarmeLady_Orange



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/M, Implied/Referenced Prostitution, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-29 08:34:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1003271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarmeLady_Orange/pseuds/MarmeLady_Orange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sammy, Cas, Kevin and Charlie are all doing their own things, whatever they are. It could be the perfect opportunity for Dean to do his own damn thing, but he can't think of anything else than what he had always done: Hunting things, saving people, taking care of Sammy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer...

**Author's Note:**

> I started this before the first episode of Season 9, so it's already not canon, as in, at all. LOL  
> So, an little idea on something that could have happened on season 9, I guess.
> 
> Tags & Characters may eventually change as I'm not entirely sure where this is taking me! ;-)
> 
> Of course, the characters aren't mine... I just borrowed them to play for a little while.

Dean was alone in the bunker again tonight. That was now a regular thing, and it was starting to piss him off a great deal. Well, not totally alone, since Kevin was spending his time sulking, or brooding, or being pissed, or nursing a hangover in his bedroom most of the time. Whatever he was doing, he was doing it somewhere else and, frankly, Dean could appreciate not having to entertain the kid. He was nice enough but the attitude, it was not something he felt like dealing with right about now.

 

And then there was Sam. A little over 6 months after the whole "choosing one another" thing, and his almost dying, his brother had yet again a new outlook on life. He had found himself a girlfriend (one Dean still had to meet, mind you, because Sam would NOT bring her here and Dean was being a stubborn idiot) and was spending most of his nights over at her place. Like that wasn't the stupidest thing ever. Apart from being the safest place they could be at, for Dean the bunker was also the home they never had. For Sam it was clearly nothing other than a workplace anymore. He still had his room, of course, but he wasn't really using it, except on the off days where they would research until very late, or when they'd come back from a hunt at odd hours.

 

Hunting, yes, something they didn’t do so much either. Local stuff mostly, but with the whole fallen angels ordeal, they were much safer staying close to the against-everything-even-angels-warded batcave. So, without really asking for it, and with the Men Of Letters’ knowledge at their fingertips (plus everything from the Campbell’s library and Bobby’s things), they were basically becoming the new Bobbys by default. Or the new Garths... since nobody had heard from him in ages, it was assumed he was dead.

 

Speaking of fallen angels, there was also Cas who seemed to be steering clear of the bunker, for some odd reason. He very well KNEW it'd be the safest place for him, but since he found the Winchesters again, almost a full month after becoming human, he spent his time running around to try and help as many as his brethren as possible. On some level, Dean could understand that, of course, but it still made him uneasy to know that his friend was out there pretty much on his own, an easy prey to every dick angel that would want his head on a stick.

 

But for the life of him, Dean could not understand why Cas seemed to be deliberately avoiding HIM. At first he thought he was being paranoid, but seeing as Cas would only seem to use the bunker as a place to hide every other night, sleep a couple of hours and maybe take a shower (one would hope), hardly ever crossing paths with Dean or Sam, Dean decided to take it personal. The fact that Cas had refused any form of help from him, apart from having the bunker to crash at when necessary, was not helping in the matter.

 

Everybody was off doing their own thing, whatever it was. It could have been the perfect opportunity for him to do his own damn thing, but he couldn't think of anything else than what he had always done. Hunting things, saving people, taking care of Sammy... Sammy who had stopped needing him a long time ago apparently, but Dean could not let go, as it was ingrained in him. It was his sole purpose in life, even if he knew that it was a whole lot of unhealthy, he couldn't escape it. He told him he was nothing without him, that he was his everything. Or something to that effect.

 

But right now, alone as he was, he felt as if he had no purpose at all. And if he ever tried to have a purpose, a project, as in either Kevin or Cas, they would shut him down. _"Take care of yourself, do stuff you want to do, be happy"_ and all that crap. Couldn't they tell that being needed and useful was the thing he wanted to do, the ONLY thing he knew how to do?

 

He clearly needed needier friends (or, needy ones that would want his help, anyways), and that was a sad thought to have. Even Charlie was off doing her thing, hopping from con to con, sometimes calling just to chat, sometimes lending a virtual hand in research from who-knows-where. She promised she’d come spend some time at the bunker whenever she was near. That hadn’t happened yet and Dean missed her so very much.

 

So, at close to 1 AM on a wednesday night, Dean was pretty shit-faced after having turned back to his only true friend. Well, his friends, plural, would be more likely. Jack, Jose and Jim, which ever had been on hand or closer to where he was sitting when he started drinking, he couldn't remember now. Not like he had any preferences at this point. This was not about taste or enjoyment, far from it. He just needed to wind down, relax... pretty much dull himself out.

 

The beer would not have been enough after today's crapfest, even though since he came back from Purgatory he hadn't felt like drinking as much. A cold beer here, a nice scotch there, that had been quite enough for a while. But being alone most of the time now, booze seemed to be the best way to pass the time. Of course, he could have decided to talk to Sam about all this, but then that would have meant talking about his feelings. And that, that was not something Dean Winchester would do. Not on purpose anyways.

 

Well, it was not as if he could go and beg his brother to stay at the bunker with him forever and ever. And even if he did, he's pretty sure Sammy would go on a tirade explaining how they could not be permanently glued together, that he wanted other things, that he did not want to "grow old" with his brother. He wanted a life of his own, he had always wanted one. Like when he ran away as a kid, or went to Stanford, or all those other times he just took off because he had a beef with Dean.

 

Ok, they did have that conversation earlier that day. Dean had tried to explain, tried to have him change his mind about spending so much time away from the safety of their home. _"Your home Dean, not mine. I want a home of my own at some point. Close to you, but not THAT close, you know? I thought I could do it, that’s why I didn’t go back to Amelia last year… but, I was wrong man. I need my own life."_  had countered Sam.

 

It had stung, right in the heart. Dean, becoming domestic and all, nesting, trying to make the bunker as homey as possible and giving his brother what he never had growing up, felt like his efforts were thrown back in his face. And yeah, there was the abandonment issue thrown in there too. He had briefly wondered if the “new” girl in his life was that Amelia chick.

 

This discussion did not end well. Dean was hurt and decided to reciprocate with the harshest words he could come up with. Not that they didn't feel true to him, but he usually kept this all to himself, especially since they had decided to forgive each other of pretty much everything and just focus on what was to come.

 

Still… Words like selfish, unappreciative, hypocrite and so on. Years of hurt he thought were cleansed by his stint in Purgatory, countless (and not always wanted) heart to hearts, forgiveness sessions, brotherly bear hugs and even by their renewed bond (or so he thought), when they chose not to close Hell's gates. This all clearly had a time limit, or hurt limit, and it was past due.

 

Dean mostly felt like an asshole digging all that crap again, but he could not stop himself, he was having the best case of words diarrhea he'd ever had. As if he was the perfect brother, like he didn’t have anything to feel crappy and apologize for. But while shouting at his brother, it didn't matter one bit. He was just desperate and needed to lash out.

 

Sam had stayed calm throughout his brother's diatribe, looking him in the eye without faulting. Then Dean was done and he waited, hoping that his brother would respond just as viciously or even better, try and beat the shit out of him. Anything to show he cared at least a little. But he just sighed and shook his head, closed his laptop, took his coat and made his way to the door. _"See you tomorrow, Dean."_ was all he said, leaving his brother to stir in his own juices.

 

So there he was, drunk again, but not passed out in his bed listening to zeppelin or one of those old blues records he’d find lying around the bunker. Nope, this time he was getting drunk with a purpose, wanting to enjoy the drunkenness as much as possible, to savour it. And honestly, with still a bit of anger in his belly, he was hoping the elusive Kevin, or the invisible Cas, would cross his path. He'd have a lot to say to them as well.

 

Slouched in one of the armchairs in the library, Dean considered going to Kevin's room and bang on the door until the little shit would open. And if he wouldn't oblige, he'd break the door down. Yeah! And then he'd yell at him, maybe grab him and shake him senseless so he'd stop being so damned depressed and gloomy. He needed that, the kid needed that, with no mother and all, Dean had to be the mother, well... the father, and where was the kid's father anyway...? Damn absentee fathers, man…

 

The hunter decided he needed another drink but the bottle he was nursing was now empty.

 

\- _Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn...._ he hissed in a hoarsed slur, feeling stupidly sad all of a sudden.

 

\- _Dean?_

 

Castiel had just quietly entered the bunker and was standing at the top of the stairs, staring at the hunter’s sprawled form on the chair. Dean had trouble looking up at him as it made the room spin, so he turned back his gaze to the empty bottle. It was Kevin's lucky day apparently, as he could just yell at Cas instead of him.

 

The former angel seemed to be hesitating to come downstairs and do whatever he was here to do. As if Dean's presence was messing with his plans and schedules and whatnot.

 

\- _Caaaaaaas, my frieeeeend, my buddyyyyy! Come on doooooown_ , hollered Dean, too enthusiastically, before humming the "Price Is Right" theme song and then chuckling in his empty glass.

 

\- _You’re drunk, Dean_ , deadpanned Castiel, evidently oblivious to the game show reference, finally coming down the stairs.

 

\- _No shit, Sherlock... I always knew you were smart_ , added Dean, his forefinger tapping his temple.

 

\- _I can recognize sarcasm when I hear it, Dean, all thanks to you. And I do not appreciate being mocked._

 

The ex-angel did not look angry, or hurt, mostly annoyed maybe. Dean looked at him behind alcohol heavy eyelids and finally shrugged and mumbled, repeating his friend's response in a whiny voice. Castiel decided not to acknowledge the childish behaviour and went straight to his room to pick-up clean clothes and his shower kit. He had just entered the bathroom when Dean decided it was a good time for a chat.

 

\- _So, we're like the local YMCA now Cas?_ asked Dean, hoping he would be loud enough to be heard.

 

After a couple of minutes, while Dean was trying to muster enough energy to ask again louder, Castiel came out of the bathroom, clothed only of his dirty jeans, and padded towards the library with a stern look on his face.

 

\- _Dean, if you want to talk to me, don't yell, just follow me. Kevin's probably sleeping at this hour. I don’t think he would appreciate to be waken up at close to two in the morning._

 

\- _Dude, 'm not going there wi' you, ‘is the BATHROOM. I don' wanna... your bus'ness_ , Dean added, flailing his empty hand towards Castiel’s crotch.

 

\- _As you wish Dean, but I am just taking a shower and there IS a curtain for privacy. I am tired and I will not wish to engage in a lengthy conversation after I am done bathing, nor do I wish for us to scream our conversation through the bunker. So, either you follow me or you wait for a more appropriate time._

 

\- _Fuck you apporo... appripo.... damn it! You' never here, I can't talk to you, 'cause you're gone. Always! Fuck Cas! Why we' not friends ‘more…_

 

Dean inhaled sharply, eyes squinted, his mind so foggy it was as if his head was swimming in a sea of goo (a sea of booze, most likely). He knew what he wanted to say to Castiel, and felt like he was saying it, but nothing was making sense to him at this point. He needed to say stuff, but he didn’t know how, feeling his brain slowly shutting down.

 

\- _Dean, I really need to go take a shower, and I rescind my invitation,_ firmly said Castiel. _Please do not follow me in the bathroom, I don’t think you could have a proficient conversation right now. Go to bed, I will see you tomorrow._

 

\- _Rescin’… wha’? yeah, ok… but… ‘never there ‘morrow_ , Dean slurred, trying to get out of the armchair.

 

\- _I will be, Dean. Go to sleep, we’ll talk later._

  
The hunter didn’t get to bed, but still managed to get to sleep, thanks to his passing out while half-out of the chair, the empty tumble glass still in his hand and his neck crooked in a way that would definitely make it hurt in the morning.


	2. Angel of the Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If he usually loved being woken up by the smell of fresh coffee, Dean could only qualify this morning’s brew as having a horrible and unnatural smell. It was too strong, and seemed too close to his nose. Nothing seemed to be right. The coffee’s stench, the puke lump in his throat, the way he couldn’t feel most of his limbs and didn’t even know if he could move any of them anyways. Yeah, that was a hangover fit for a king.

If he usually loved being woken up by the smell of fresh coffee, Dean could only qualify this morning’s brew as having a horrible and unnatural smell. It was too strong, and seemed too close to his nose. Nothing seemed to be right. The coffee’s stench, the puke lump in his throat, the way he couldn’t feel most of his limbs and didn’t even know if he could move any of them. Yeah, that was a hangover fit for a king.

 

Someone cleared their throat close by and he could very well imagine his brother bitchy-facing him. Didn’t really want to see this on top of everything, so he kept his eyes closed and feigned sleep. Though it was overly uncomfortable and he really needed to move.

 

\- _Dean, I know you are awake. Straighten up already, I can see how uncomfortable you are._

 

It wasn’t Sam, it was Cas. Dean’s eyes shot open in surprise, which was the worst idea ever as all the lights in the bunker seemed to be on. It kind of felt like getting sand-blasted through the cranium. Not that it had ever happened to him, but it would probably feel just as nice as this. The hunter took a couple of breaths and tried to open his eyes again, just with a bit more caution. The lights had been dimmed and the ex-angel was holding a mug with the foul-smelling coffee right in front of his face.

 

\- _Eeeer, Cas, get that away from me, smells like ass_ , sputtered Dean, swallowing back his alcohol-induced disgust.

 

\- _It will help you, Dean. Coffee, with aspirins, then some juice. If you don’t want coffee, then at least drink the juice, and take the pills. After that, you will need to take a shower._

 

\- _You’re pretty bossy there, feather pants. And how come you’re here?  Shouldn’t you already be God knows where by now?_

 

Castiel cocked his head in confusion, a gesture he had not lost and that Dean found endearing, even when pissed at him. Then, comprehension settled in the blue eyes staring of him.

 

\- _Oh, you don’t remember yesterday then. Or, earlier this morning should I say._

 

This time the confusion had settled in the green eyes, Dean trying to dig through the fog that cloaked his thoughts. He remembered Sam and the huge fight they had (or, the huge fight HE had and how Sam had just left like it was nothing). And he remembered drinking. And that was about it. Drinking himself into oblivion it seemed because he could only see liquor in a glass and then, it was morning and he was sore and he was still in the library.

 

\- _What time is it?_ was the only thing he could think of saying at that very moment.

 

\- _Almost seven. I sent a text message to Sam and asked him not to come by this morning._

 

\- _Why would you…? Yeah, ok,_ Dean decided to say instead, thinking of what had happened. _So, I guess I told you what happened with Sam then?_ he added, sheepishly.

 

\- _You didn’t say anything Dean, I told you we would talk today, you were too inebriated to carry a conversation, that would have been very unpleasant. Plus, I was tired…_ Castiel’s cheeks reddened with his admission of tiredness, something he hated and was having trouble getting used to. _What happened with Sam?_ he added with a concerned look.

 

\- _Nothing to worry about, just a fight. But if you didn’t know, why did you tell him to stay away?_

 

\- _Well, I feel we have many things to talk about, Dean, And I think you will be more comfortable if your brother is not present._

 

To Dean’s ears, what Cas had just said sounded just like the intro for a classic break-up speech. He should know, he had been on both giving and receiving ends in his days, when there were still relationships to break. He should be happy though, it was still better than flying off without saying goodbye and not showing up again for months. I guess losing your wings will do that to you.

 

Castiel came closer and presented the hunter with the coffee mug and the aspirins. His stomach had settled a bit so he gave the bitter beverage a try. It went down real easy, since it was not as hot as it could have been, and the taste was better than he’d thought. The ex-angel picked a glass full of orange juice from the desk and traded it with dean’s cup when he was done. He was starting to feel better. Castiel then took the glass from him and put his hand on his shoulder.

 

\- _Now, go take a shower, you look and smell awful_ , he said, wrinkling his nose.

 

Dean wanted to object but quite frankly, he lacked the energy to do so. And also, Cas was right, he reeked of old booze and sweat, which was not helping with the nausea. Didn’t know what he looked like, but he doubt it was much more glorious.

 

He finally got up from the armchair, grunting like the old man he felt he was. Cas was standing there, arms crossed, looking at him with a smirk, of all things. Seemed like he had picked-up some new facial expressions out there in the world. While trying to untie any knots in his body with stretches, he wondered what else his friend could have picked-up. His (too) proper way of talking seemed intact, at least.

 

Dean stayed in the shower for close to 30 minutes, relishing in the awesome pressure and warmth of the water on his back, his limbs, his torso. Without even thinking about it, his hand slid down to grip his cock tight and stroke vigorously. It didn’t take long before he came over the tiles, his mind as blank as when he started. It was automatic, mechanic, anything but sexy, but it helped in relieving some of his stress and certainly made his head clearer.

 

When he got back to his room, a towel around his waist, Castiel was sitting on his bed, deep into the latest issue of the “Busty Asian Beauties” magazine Dean had been “reading”. He should have been pissed that someone was in his room going through his stuff, but he didn’t care. He never did actually, not when it was Cas. He uttered a low “huh” at the realisation then shrugged it off while getting to his desk to pick out clean clothes.  

 

\- _Sorry Dean, I will give you some privacy. I thought you would be dressed already_ , said Castiel when he saw Dean had returned from his shower.

 

\- _No worries, Cas. Keep your eyes on the naked ladies, I’ll be quick._

 

He made sure his friend had his eyes on the glossy pictures before dropping the towel and putting on his underwear and jeans.

 

\- _So, why did you come to my room Cas? No good reading material in the library?_ he asked with a smile, eyeing the magazine on his friend’s lap.

 

\- _Kevin was having breakfast in the kitchen. I don’t think you would like us to discuss with him present either_ , Castiel answered, sending a careful glance towards Dean to make sure he was dressed. When he saw the pants were on, he turned around to face him.

 

\- _He seemed surprised to know you were here, says he hasn’t seen you for a while_ , he added.

 

\- _Dumb kid, I’m surprised HE knows he’s even here, seriously! I am the one who hasn’t seen him for a while, believe me, he’s always hold-up in his fucking room_ , spitted Dean, using unnecessary force to pull his t-shirt over his head.

 

\- _Oh…_

 

They stopped talking, the hunter standing next to the chair, fidgeting as if to decide if he’d sit or stand or tap dance. They were usually good at being silent together, but not at this very moment. Something was in the room with them, heavy, like an elephant-sized discomfort that Dean was not able to explain. He decided to go sit on the bed, next to his friend.

 

\- _You said we had to talk Cas, so talk. What’s on your mind?_ he said after taking a deep breath.

 

\- _It’s not what is on my mind that seems to be the problem Dean, it’s what is on yours. You asked me why we were not friends anymore. What was that about?_

 

Dean’s face flushed instantly. He didn’t even bother trying to deny it, even if he didn’t remember ever saying such a thing, mostly because he knew Cas would never lie about that. As a bonus, he knew it might be something he’d say if drunk enough. Not that he really believed it, but it was indeed one of his deepest fears, to be left behind, abandoned. And nowadays, it very much felt like it, didn’t it?

 

\- _Dean?_ softly insisted Castiel.

 

He had mirrored the hunter’s seating position, by design or not, he wouldn’t know. Feet forward, elbows on his knees, hands loosely folded together, his head turned his way. That was the only difference with Dean, who was stubbornly keeping his head down. He didn’t know how to answer the question. Well, he knew what the answer what but that was such a huge can of slimy ugly worms, he wasn’t sure he wanted to open it.

 

\- _Do you mind if I try to answer the question myself then?_ offered Castiel after a while. _I think you do not appreciate the fact that I do not require your help at the present time, with the fallen angels,_ he added without waiting for an answer.

 

Dean kept his eyes on the floor, pushing down any sarcastic comment about how chick-flick-touchy-feely this conversation was getting. He needed to temper his defense mechanisms to a minimum. Plus, Cas was a stubborn asshole and he would not let it go, so better get on with it.

 

\- _It’s not just that, Cas_ , Dean finally answered. He turned his head and found his eyes automatically lock to the ex-angel’s. That hadn’t happened for a while now and he felt like all that he was keeping bottled down was bubbling up to the surface.

 

\- _You never spend time with us Cas. Just to hang out, you know? And even when you come around, it’s when everyone would be asleep and you’d have no chance of seeing any of us. Not that you would see anyone anymore, except for me I guess, but still. Coming by during the day is not an option for you or what? On top of that, I don’t know what you’re up to, if you’re safe, if you’re not lying in a ditch somewhere. It’s a damn good thing that you’re sloppy and can’t pick-up after yourself otherwise we wouldn’t know you were ever here. So, yeah, I kinda feel like you don’t like us anymore man. Well, like you don’t like me, like we’re not friends anymore. I know it’s stupid, and girly and shit, but… Sammy’s pretty much not living here anymore, Kevin’s probably mummifying in his room as we speak, Charlie hasn’t been back here for ever… Well, she does call at least, so that’s good. But that’s ok I guess, people leave me, I know that… so yeah, just come clean about it, rip off the bandage, would you now?_

 

Dean had been able to look away from Castiel during his little rant but couldn’t keep his voice from breaking near the end of it. He wasn’t staring at the floor this time but rather looking straight ahead, focusing on a small crack in the blank wall. He didn’t want to look back at his friend right away, afraid of what he would see in his eyes. Deception, exasperation, maybe even anger, who knew? He guessed he could be angry himself to have someone unload that much shit on his ass, deserved or not.

 

He was not prepared for the sniffling sound he heard. It was faint, but unmistakable. He looked back at Castiel to see that indeed, he had tears in his eyes and the saddest expression he's ever seen on him.

 

\- _See, that’s just great, now I made an angel cry_ , murmured Dean with a faint smile, hoping to make his friend laugh.

 

\- _Not an angel anymore, Dean!_ he whispered back, frowning instead.

 

\- _I know… I’m sorry Cas, I shouldn’t dump all my crap on you, forget I said anything ok?_ He put his arm around Castiel’s shoulders and squeezed him to his side.

 

\- _No Dean, I will not forget. I myself have some explaining to do, it appears. I do need to make a phone call before I do anything else though. Would you care that we talked over a nice breakfast?_

 

\- _Breakfast? Of course, always. I know this place near..._

 

\- _We can stay here, I will prepare a meal for us_ , Castiel offered readily, brushing both hands on his face to wipe his tears.

 

\- _You can cook ?_ Dean asked, arching an eyebrow.

 

\- _Of course. I had to learn to feed myself, didn’t I ?_ he responded before getting up from the bed.

 

Dean looked at Castiel leave the room. As soon as his friend was out of sight, he exhaled a breath that felt like it’d been stuck in his throat for days. He was not cut out for emotional drama, so much so that he would have preferred to face a thousand witches than deal with that crap.

  
Ok, maybe the thousand witches thing would be exaggerating a bit… just saying.


	3. Breakfast In America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking at Castiel being seemingly at ease around the oven, cracking the eggs for the batter and having bacon sizzle in a pan, made Dean’s heart swell with pride. Not for his cooking skills, but because of how he seemed so comfortable as a human now. In what was now, and probably forever, his “own” skin.

Castiel was done with his phone conversation when Dean came out of the bedroom. He was curious as to know who he could be talking to but decided against asking. For now anyways... He found his friend in the kitchen rummaging through the fridge.

 

\- _How do you feel about French toasts?_ he asked, taking out the egg carton.

 

\- _Love 'em_ , answered Dean, leaning against the door frame.

 

He felt compelled to see for himself how Cas was doing as a regular human, especially while handling appliances and pans and stuff. Looking at him being seemingly at ease around the oven, cracking the eggs for the batter and having bacon sizzle in a pan, made Dean’s heart swell with pride. Not for his cooking skills, but because of how he seemed so comfortable as a human now. In what was now, and probably forever, his “own” skin.

 

\- _Dean? Would we happen to have cinnamon?_

 

\- _Good question... if we do, it should be in the cabinet to your left. Cinnamon, huh?_

 

\- _Yes, I was told it was the only way to prepare proper French toasts. I never had them otherwise, but I do appreciate it_ , he explained with a smile. After an unsuccessful scanning of the spice cabinet, which was poorly stocked to begin with, he opened the fridge again. _How about syrup, or fruit coulis maybe?_ he asked again.

 

\- _We got syrup, right there in the fridge door.... not fruit thingy though_ , he added, scrunching his nose.

 

Castiel dug up the syrup bottle, hesitated a bit, grabbed the orange juice and closed the door again.

 

\- _I know that Kevin already had some breakfast but I don't think he had anything more than a coffee and a bowl of very unhealthy cereals. He might appreciate to be offered some French toasts and bacon. You could go say hello and make sure he does not come out for a while maybe?_ suggested the ex-angel to his friend, giving him a pointed look.

 

Dean nodded silently and turned around to go to the prophet's room, which as usual had its door shut. He took a deep breath before knocking three times on the thick wood and called out to the teenager.

 

\- _Good morning Kev, buddy... Cas is making French toasts and bacon. Want some?_

 

He stuck his ear to the door, trying to catch on any sign of life.

 

\- _Come on dude, yummy breakfast, made by Cas himself, if you can believe it._

 

He finally heard the muted sound of footsteps in the room, then the click of the lock being released before the door opened just enough so he could see one of Kevin's blood-shot eye.

 

\- _Wow Kev, you look awful_ , hissed the hunter, eyes wide. _So yeah... how's it going? You doing ok?_ he added quickly with a concerned smile, thinking maybe too late that it had not been the best introduction.

 

He might have been annoyed with the prophet's behaviour but Dean still liked the kid and felt bad not to have noticed earlier how in rough of a shape he seemed to be. He'd have to sit and try to reason with him, and soon...

 

\- _Yeah, 'm good. I'll have bacon, and coffee with cream and sugar_ , he mumbled before shutting the door in his face. Dean scowled at the dark wood, like that would do any good, and went back to the kitchen.

 

\- _Mister big shot over there wants bacon and coffee with cream and sugar_ , blurted the hunter to his friend, eyes rolled to the ceiling. _He does NOT look good_ , he added stiffly.

 

\- _I know_ , Castiel answered, his brows frowned with concern. I will prepare a plate with some toasts anyways, in case he were to change his mind. _Could you prepare a fresh pot of coffee?_

 

Without questions, he obliged, just happy to be helping out and to see Castiel being so bossy in the kitchen. He acted as if making breakfast and delegating tasks was routine for him. Or maybe it was just his "soldier past" showing through. Hell, the guy had been the leader of a garrison in heaven, he should be able to handle menial human tasks like these. Dean had to admit, he liked the sight very much and again, his heart was swelling with pride.

 

The front door shut forcefully, followed by loud footsteps, announcing Sam's impromptu, and unwelcomed, arrival. Enticed by the cooking smells, he came into the kitchen, certain he'd find his brother and their friend.

 

\- _'morning guys, sorry, I couldn't stay away_ , he readily explained. _Stewart Jones called early this morning, he needs help with a hunt in vermont and he can't figure out what he's dealing with. I need the bunker to research. So, I'll be in the library._

 

He sent both guys an apologetic look and poured himself some coffee before strolling back to the library. Dean didn’t even bother answering as Sam had already gone and, frankly, he still didn’t feel like it as he was still a bit pissed. Or ashamed. Or both.

 

\- _I guess going out would have been a good idea after all_ , said Castiel while preparing both their plates and Kevin's. _I will bring Kevin his food. You can just start, we might as well go elsewhere to talk after we’re done eating._

 

Dean was starting to think his friend was getting very weird with this insistence of his not to have anyone around. They could just take their plates and go to his room, or stay in the kitchen and eat sitting at the breakfast nook and chat. If the temperature would have been warmer, they could even have went outside, have some kind of a picnic or something.

 

As instructed, he started eating, taking his first bite of the French toasts, after having doused the whole plate in syrup. Surprisingly enough, they tasted mighty fine, he thought with an appreciative pout. Castiel came back in the kitchen and sat on the stool next to him.

 

\- ‘ _s ree’ goon’_ , Dean mumbled around a mouthful of sticky bread and meat.

 

Castiel just laughed at his friend’s tentative compliment and nodded in thanks, engulfing his own portion as if he hadn’t eaten in days.

 

\- _Maybe having me as a human role-model wasn’t the best thing Cas, your manners are horrible_ , Dean laughed between hearty bites of breakfast.

 

\- _I honeffly do no’ know whatchou a’ referin’ to ‘ean_ , spluttered Castiel, making a spectacle of his latest mouthful, then ending with a full on gummy grin.

 

For the first time in a very long time, the hunter burst in laughter, sending bits and pieces of breakfast flying on the counter. Both of them were now laughing wholeheartedly, their faces red and tears running down their cheeks.

 

\- _Cas!_ almost screeched Dean, finally able to dial down his laughter enough to talk. He had just realised it was the first time he’d ever seen the ex-angel this way, laughing, or even smiling broadly.

 

\- _Yes, Dean?_ the other man answered, breathing heavily, wiping the happy tears with the back of his hand.

 

\- _Since when do you laugh, or cry for that matter?_ he asked in a now more serious tone, suddenly feeling uneasy at the new display of emotions, looking at him as if he was possessed or something.

 

The tone of Dean’s voice made Castiel skip a beat, his low chuckles coming to an abrupt end. He was just as serious as Dean when he finally answered.

 

\- _I am human now, emotions are one of the perks it seems. But I do admit, I have yet to learn how to control them properly. You might find me to be acting erratic at times, I’m afraid... If you are done with your breakfast, we could take a drive in the Impala and find somewhere to talk? I have missed being on the road with you_ , he added with a curve in his lips.

 

\- _Yeah, ok… let’s go_ , he agreed with a relieved smile.

 

\- _Sam, we’re leaving for a little while_ , he then called to his brother, but didn’t wait for an answer before putting on his coat and following Castiel outside.

 

The air was crisp and cool, carrying the early smells of winter. Luckily, the first snowfall that had come earlier in the week had melted quickly, so the roads were clear and dry. When both men were seated, Dean started the engine and turned on the heater.

 

\- _It’s not gonna take long Cas, but it’ll warm-up faster when I drive_ , Dean said, noticing his friend shivering. _Where do you wanna go?_

 

\- _I do not have a preference, we can just drive for a while if you wish. Or we can find a place to have coffee and talk, whichever you are most comfortable with_ , he countered with a shrug.

 

\- _I don’t mind either, let’s just see where the road takes us then_ , he said with a smile. It had been a while since he had spent some time with his Baby, so driving around seemed like the best idea for now.

 

Neither of them said anything for the first 10 minutes of the drive. Unlike the awkward silence in the bedroom earlier that morning, this one was just as comfortable as the ones they would share before. Dean hadn’t bothered to put on any music but was humming some tunes under his breath while Castiel was seemingly absorbed in the passing surroundings.

 

\- _Dean..._

 

\- _Cas..._

 

As if on cue, both had started talking at the same time. Dean just smiled and nodded to his friend to go on.

 

\- _Dean, I have many things to tell you. I would prefer if you just listened for now. When I will have said what needs to be said, I will answer any questions you might have. Does that sound acceptable?_

 

\- _Yeah, go ahead, I’m listening._

 

\- _Thank you._

 

The ex-angel gave the hunter a smile and turned his gaze back to the window. He inhaled deeply before talking again.

 

\- _First and foremost, I wish to express how sorry I am..._

 

\- _Cas, don’t…_

 

\- _Please let me say what I need to say. I am sorry for letting you think I was abandoning you, I never intended to hurt you. I do realise now that I have been doing this a lot, leaving for long periods of time, or what would seem like a long time to you. As I have explained before, time in heaven is on a different pace, not that I wish to use this as an excuse. I know that I have betrayed you and neglected your prayers in the past, so I would understand why you would think that my attachment to you was not true nor strong. It was, and still is, and that is the most truthful thing I can tell you right now. As for not spending as much time in the “batcave”, as you call it, I do believe I have a duty to my brethren at the present time. This has been my main priority for the last four months, since I was contacted by one of my brothers._

 

Dean jumped at the news and turned sharply to look at his friend, who looked back at him with a warning stare. He had promised to listen and ask questions later, but that was huge. He lifted a hand from the steering wheel, his forefinger pointing at Castiel.

 

\- _Hold that thought_ , he said before swerving the car to enter a dirt road and parked next to an empty field, but kept the motor running so the heater would go on. _Ok! That’s a story that deserves my full attention._

 

Castiel cleared his throat before starting again.

 

\- _As I was saying, one of my brothers, Rahmiel, contacted me. He found out where I was with the help of a psychic. Her name is Tina and she lives not too far from here. I was afraid at first that my brother would be wrathful and smite me, but since we always were courteous to one another he did let me explain what had happened with Metatron. He said he understood and forgave me, wishing not to fight but rather to try and make things better for our kind. We have been working together since then to find and help any angel that would be willing to be part of our mission, which is to open the Heavens again. We have acquired a pretty little faction of angels in our group, without hardly any hardship. A couple of rogue angels tried to infiltrate the operation but they were debunked and killed before any real damage was done. We almost lost Laylah that time_ , he said with a break in his voice.

 

Dean was trying really hard to keep a sympathetic face at what he was hearing. He had promised to wait until the end of the story. He could see why Castiel had asked for his silence because otherwise, he would probably have already told him how stupid and naive and too-fucking-trusting-for-his-own-good he was. Yeah, he just couldn’t wait for Cas to be done so we could start shaking him senseless.

 

\- _So this is what I have been doing for four months now. Another brother, Cahethal, has found a vessel who owned a big heated barn, which became our headquarters. It is on a secluded farm close to Riverton, just over the state line in Arkansas. There are 27 angels in our group now, plus Tina and myself. I feel safe there Dean, surrounded by pacific angels and with a warded cellar to hide if I need to. So, I assure you, you do not need to fear for my safety at this time. I am being very careful and am not alone when not with you._

 

He patted the back of Dean’s hand that was resting between them and smiled, a very human gesture intended to reassure him. It didn’t work. Instead, it sent shivers to his spine.

 

\- _Are you done? Can I talk now?_ Dean asked, trying to keep his tone calm and even.

  
\- _I’m afraid not, Dean. That is just one part of the things I wish to share with you. The rest is more of a personal nature. It is about things I realised, or rather understood, since becoming human._


	4. Emotional Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When I discovered love, I discovered heartache. It is the worst feeling of them all. This is why I… you were right when you said that I seemed to be avoiding you. That heartache, it is about you Dean."
> 
> \- Castiel
> 
> *****

Cas took back his hand and sighed, turning back to stare at the field in front of them.

\- _Emotions, Dean..._ he finally breathed. _I know how you detest speaking of them, but this has been the biggest change in my life so far, you know, having true emotions, strong, not dulled by my grace or my vessel anymore. As I said, I have yet to know how to control them, and even knowing exactly what it is that I’m feeling can prove to be difficult. Thankfully, I have had much help from Tina in that area, she has always been a human after all..._

Dean looked at his friend and noticed how he spoke Tina’s name with a fond, private, smile. “Who’s that woman to Castiel, and how close are they?” thought Dean suspiciously. The idea that Cas could have found a new best friend, or worse, a girlfriend, someone else to spend time with, made the hunter feel uneasy. If he were to be honest with himself, he’d say he was afraid that Castiel would take the same route as Sam, finding a woman and just leaving him to live by his sorry self in the bunker.

\- _I always thought the love I had for my father was all there was, you know? And then all these other emotions, just as strong, sometimes even stronger, would just be flooding over me. I have felt loss, sadness, anger, shame, fear, and I had trouble identifying them. You certainly remember how I was when I first came back to find you. I was very confused by everything at the time, now I know that. But not all emotions have been bad, thankfully, I have also felt joy, excitement, laughter, fondness, desire… and love. But a different love than the one for my Father. It took me a while to understand it Dean. I didn’t know it was love until I was told. Even then, this complicated emotion as been dividing itself in so many ways. I did not know… I did not know how complicated that sentiment was before I became human._

So there it was, Castiel had fallen in love. He had found a woman to make him happy, somewhere away from him. Not that he should not have lady friends, but love? That was something else, it meant it was permanent, stable. Then again, Dean thought his friend was a bit hasty in thinking he was already in love.

Maybe he was mistaking love for lust, he wouldn’t be the first to make that mistake. He was inexperienced and should probably look around a little bit more, test the waters, kiss a few frogs... But again, he said nothing, still bound by his promise to shut it until Cas was done.

\- _When I discovered love, I discovered heartache. It is the worst feeling of them all. This is why I… you were right when you said that I seemed to be avoiding you. That heartache, it is about you Dean._

Castiel stopped talking and turned back to face Dean. His expression was open, serious, his eyes shining with the tears he obviously was holding back. For the first time since the ex-angel had started his story, Dean didn’t have anything he wanted to say. He wasn’t even sure he understood what his friend was telling him. Or maybe he was and really did not want to acknowledge it, or maybe just didn’t know how to.

Mouth agape, the hunter stared into the watery blue eyes in front of him. What Cas hadn’t said, not yet, was settling in his brain. Had he just declared his love, was that the message here? They hadn’t seen or talked to each other in a while and he was unloading this shit on him? Dean was getting angry, without really understanding why, and was just about to throw his silence vow to the wind when Castiel spoke again.

\- _Do not worry Dean, I am not expecting anything from you, nor will I ever. I know my vess… my body… is not what you want. I am a man, and you prefer women, I do know that. But yes, you understood me correctly, I love you, I have for a long time and probably always will. I just know that I cannot hope to have a romantic relationship with you. So, right now, being close to you is very difficult and it hurts tremendously_ , he finished with a sad smile.

Dean groaned and turned back to face the steering wheel. Without a word, he shifted the Impala’s gear to back-up and reach the main road again. He felt like an asshole doing this, and he probably was, but that was too much to handle.

\- _Dean…_ pleaded Castiel, his voice shaking.

\- _Shut up, Cas…_ he responded in a softer tone than what the words implied. _You have to give me a minute, alright? Let me grasp at what you said, I just need to drive and think for a little while, so just please… shut up for now, ‘kay?_ he said before pressing play on the tape deck to have Led Zep’s “II” blaring through the speakers.

Castiel suddenly felt the loss of his wings to be the worst thing to ever have happened to him. Of course, he missed them everyday and had mourned their loss but he was coping, usually. Except right now, he would have given anything to just be able to fly away and not have to stay in the car.

He never thought Dean would have reacted this way, seemingly angry and uncomfortable. But mostly angry. He slouched in the passenger seat, crossed his arms and closed his eyes, hoping that he would be able to just drift off to sleep until Dean got them back to the bunker. Who knew how much time he needed on the road to digest Castiel’s news.

As for Dean, he was angry, but at himself because he was indeed uncomfortable. Cas knew everything about him, so he probably knew that he had been with guys at some point in his life. But also, he was right in saying that Dean prefered women. Men for him meant an end to a means, they were usually just horny and didn’t mind giving him a couple of bucks for a blowjob. But that was before, a long time ago. And yeah, women just felt better after that.

But he could not even think to put Cas in that same category of men. There were women, there were men and then, there was Castiel-Angel-Of-The-Lord. How would one even begin to have thoughts, sexual thoughts, about an angel? Dean was not blind, he knew that Cas, or Jimmy, was a handsome man. But if he ever had any perverse thoughts about him, he did a pretty good job of pushing them down as far, and as fast, as possible.

This was just a whole lotta crap, rolled-up in shit. Nothing good could ever come out of this. Even if he was to reciprocate, Dean knew very well how it would end and how fast. Maybe he wasn’t an angel anymore, but Cas was still brilliant and all-knowing and everything. The hunter could not compete with that and he wouldn’t be able to keep his friend’s interest for very long, he knew that. For now, Cas just didn’t know any better, so he would have to try and explain that to him.

The open road in front of them was soothing, just as Dean had thought it would be. Zeppelin in his ears and Baby’s engine gently rumbling around him, it was the closest he ever got to true happiness. It was a bit tempered by the “love shadow” hovering between him and Cas, but it was still one of the best feelings in the world. He had been cooped up in the bunker for far too long, with really nobody but his own damn self for company.

He turned his head slightly to take a look at the ex-angel who was either sleeping, or pretending to be. He didn’t know if it was prompted by Castiel’s confession or what, but he felt his heart swell again. Just like it did in the morning, but he had to admit that pride was not the reason at this time. He didn’t have anything to be proud at this particular moment.

So he had to wonder what it really was that made him feel this way. I could might as well be endearment, fondness, just plain affection… He did like Cas, very much, probably even loved him as he did his family. Cas was indeed part of his family and he had to admit he could not imagine his life without him.

He then flushed at the thought of Cas as a brother. When did he ever have filthy thoughts about any member of his family? “Never, that’s when” he thought with disgust. But Cas, he did at some point, if he was being completely honest. The thoughts did happen in the past but were banished immediately, but now they were back, rising back up to the surface.

He couldn’t keep his eyes on the road for too long, needing to glance regularly at his friend who was slouched on the seat next to him. He decided it was now time to turn around and go back home. Not that he knew what he would say to Castiel when they got there, but he would have say something at some point, and it had to be in private. He truly didn’t know if he was in love with his friend, but he was more and more willing to consider that it could be a possibility. If not in love, he could very well be interested in exploring things further.

Apparently Cas had fallen asleep for real because Dean had to gently shake him out of his slumber when they arrived.

\- _Cas, we’re home_ , he said softly to his drowsy friend, his hand still on his shoulder.

Castiel shot him a worried look when he seemed to remember where he was, and why, and his eyes started tearing up again. He shook his head and opened the car door.

\- _Cas, please, come in… I am sorry for earlier, but I needed to let it sink in. I’m not mad at you, I swear, no reason to. Let’s get inside and talk it out, ok?_

Without answering, because his throat was clenched as he was trying to control the swell of emotions, Castiel nodded and stepped out of the car. Both men walked back to the bunker’s door in silence which Dean opened to let Cas get in first. Sam was still in the there, talking to whoever on his phone and Kevin was probably holed-up in his room like always. So Dean grabbed his friend by the elbow and guided him to his own bedroom.

\- _Hi guys, how did the drive go?_ they heard Sam ask cheerfully from the library. Neither answered as they entered the bedroom and Dean shut the door forcefully. That way, Sam would know not to come and bother them. Well, he probably wouldn’t anyways, but he had to make extra sure. This was too important and he didn’t want them to be interrupted.

\- _You’ thirsty Cas? Want me to get you something? Water, coffee, beer?_ he offered, even though it wasn’t even noon.

\- _Do you have anything stronger?_ he just replied.

Dean held up his forefinger and went to dig in his dresser from which he extracted an almost full bottle of scotch and glasses. After pouring each of them a glass, he motioned to the bed so Cas would sit. Instead, he chose to sink his tall frame in the chair next to it. With a snort, Dean gave him his glass then sat on the bed in front of him, his elbows resting on his thighs. He made sure Castiel was looking at him, blue against green, before talking again.

\- _Ok! So, you know how you told me to not say anything until you were done talkin’? I’m gonna ask the same of you, ok? Unless I ask you a question. You did promise to answer my questions Cas._

\- _I did. And I will. Anything you need_ , Castiel breathed, sending his gaze to the wooden floor.

\- _Great! First, again, I’m not mad or anything. Hey, if anything, I was shocked Cas. I don’t see you for ages, you ADMIT you’ve been avoiding me and then you tell me you lo… that you have feelings for me. That will do something to a guy, you know? And, I would not be pissed at you for this man, I mean, I don’t really understand it, but I wouldn’t be mad, I’m not that much of an asshole. Can you understand that I was surprised and needed a minute to think?_

\- _That was a question Cas_ , Dean said with a gentle smile when his friend kept silent.

\- _Yes Dean, I understand, and I am very sor…_

\- _No need to be sorry man, I just need to know that you understand. This being said, here’s what I don’t understand. How do you feel this way about ME? Not a question, not yet anyways_ , he added when he saw that Castiel had opened his mouth to answer. _So yeah, I don’t understand and I wonder if that maybe could not just be some misplaced affection, like, I know we like each other, we’re family and shit, but love? I don’t think you would know what romantic love is. Or maybe you’re just… errr… horny?_ he said, his face feeling like it was on fire. _Would you like us to find you a nice lady, or a nice guy, to relieve some of the… pressure?_

Dean could not believe he was going there again. Of course, he had tried before to have the angel deflowered at some whorehouse, but now? It was different somehow, he suddenly didn’t feel he had the right to get in his business anymore. Well, in that particular business anyways.

\- _You need not to worry Dean. I am not “horny”, as I do have regular intercourse with Tina. She is a very willing and enthusiastic partner and I am learning a lot from her. This is about something else entirely I am afraid. I know that I do not love her, even though I like her very much, but I still can enjoy the sex with her._

Dean choked on his scotch at this new information. Cas was sexually active? He had a fuck-friend? What the hell!

\- _Oh yeah? You’re… you’re not a virgin anymore... good for you, I guess_ , he finally sputtered, buried in his glass. He was feeling very uncomfortable again, and he was also a bit jealous for some reason. He was having trouble processing the information and wasn’t sure he liked what it stirred in him. He wanted to be a good friend, ask about how he felt and if he was satisfied with his first time, but he couldn’t. Instead, he had to ask about the one thing that was bugging him.

\- _Cas, you said you had feelings for me, okay… But then, you’re sleeping with a chick? You did notice that I am a male, right? Where you ever with a man Cas?_

He felt ashamed even asking that question, like he hadn’t himself been swimming in both pools, but he felt it was different somehow.

\- _No Dean, I haven’t been with a man. Right now, I do not think I would be able to find any other man either interesting or as beautiful as… well, as you._

Both of them blushed in unison to what Castiel was saying. No other man but Dean was deemed interesting enough according to him. Dean’s heart sank a little at the thought because, frankly, he hardly believed it could be true.

\- _I’m just saying, maybe a man would not do it for you then. You might realise not be sexually inclined to men when you try to get with one_ , he offered.

\- _A person’s gender is not something that matters to me, Dean. I may not see souls anymore, but I believe it is still what will make me appreciate someone rather than their sexual identity. So for now, I do enjoy the relief and companionship I get from Tina. She knows who I love, she herself is still mourning her husband, so this is just something nice between consenting adults. She calls it friends with benefits and I do admit it pretty much sums it up. I like how soft she is, how sweet she tastes and smells, but… it is just not what I want most. I do not need to have tried sex with a man to know that I would also appreciate to have one scream my name in bliss._

Dean shivered at his friends last sentence. He didn’t know if it was calculated or not, but that was some damn sexy shit right there. Without wanting to, he did picture himself under Castiel, both of them flustered and panting, orgasming together. He fucking PICTURED it and his cock had twitched at the thought. He was in big trouble if Cas kept on saying crap like that.

At this point, Dean didn’t really know what to say. He wasn’t planning on declaring his love to his friend of course, he didn’t even know if it was the case. But he could certainly not deny how hot he was finding the whole thing. If men were never is favorite thing, he had enjoyed getting with them at some point in his life. He just never had been attracted, like REALLY attracted, to a man since forever. Not since his teenage years really, and after that it had always been about “business transactions”. So he had pushed it down and pretty much forgot about it. Apart for the occasional glance and wonder, maybe.

Now, these urges were coming back full force. He remembered how having a toned body beneath his hands could be satisfying as hell. Boobs and curves were awesome, of course, but a hard chest and tummy and hipbones, strong arms and legs, a nice smooth cock, those were really great too. His dick perked up again at all the sexy images in his head and he found himself salivating while picturing his friend naked.

\- _Fuck,_ he growled, hiding his face in his hands, breathing heavily.

\- _Dean…?_ Castiel said getting up, eyes filled with sorrow. _I will leave, because this is clearly a big problem for you. I am sorry to have put such a burden on you. As soon as I can find another place to live, I will just go and leave you be._

Before Castiel could reach the door, Dean had gotten up to catch him and hugged him from behind, resting his head in the crook of his neck.

\- _You’re so fucking impatient, man_ , murmured dean in his friend’s ear. _You’ve been dealing with this things for months now, maybe more. Can you fucking give me a minute here?_

As to prove to Castiel that he did NOT have a problem with the situation at hand, Dean pressed his crotch to the other man’s ass so he could feel the bulge in his pants. If Castiel tensed at first, his hips quickly rolled back to graze against Dean. He whimpered softly but stilled again.

\- _What do you want, Dean?_ he breathed.

\- _I don’t know Cas. All I know is that I don’t want you to go. And I hadn’t realised before now how sexy you are_ , he whispered in his neck, lips brushing against his skin.

Castiel shivered at the sensation and brought up his hand to card his fingers in his friends short hair, massaging the scalp softly.

\- _Dean, please, don’t… Please don’t just use and dismiss me… I cannot… can’t be like the girls you never see again, Dean… I can’t be one of them... Or else, I’ll just die…_ he muttered, his breath quick and shallow.

The hunter froze at the ex-angel’s words. What was he doing? Castiel was right to fear Dean’s possible dismissal once they were done with whatever they were doing. And if he wanted to keep him in his life he had only two choices. He could either stop this right now and try to have them remain friends-family-whatever for the rest of their lives. Or he could decide to engage in something sexual while making sure it had purpose. It could not be a one night stand, Cas deserved much better than that.

Regretfully, Dean let go of his friend and took a step back. Castiel turned sharply, eyes questioning, his whole body now so stiff it looked like it would break. Dean forced himself to stand his friend’s stare, keeping his expression as neutral as possible. He felt he needed to explain himself.

\- _You’re right Cas, you deserve much more than a meaningless fuck. Not that this is what I would intend this to be, but we don’t know what would come of it. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to lose you by being a fucking idiot. I know I’m not helping when I say that right now, I’d fuck you senseless, but I just don’t… I can’t make any promises, not now._

-  _You are right Dean, it is not helping_ , the other man said tartly before leaving the room, shutting the door loudly behind him.

Shortly after that, he heard the front door being shut no more delicately than his bedroom door was. Dean swore loudly and grabbed the scotch, dismissing the glass to gulp at the amber liquid directly from the bottle. He was pretty intoxicated when the tears started to flow freely, so he hardly noticed or cared.

Again, you fucked everything up, Winchester! was his last thought before sinking in a drunken sleep.


	5. Only The Lonely (Know The Way I Feel)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dean… after everything that’s happened with Cas over the years, you still want him around, you’re super worried about him when he’s not there, you’re pissed that he might consider leaving for good, you even… desire him. How is this not a perfect setup for a successful relationship? Aren’t you even considering it?"
> 
> \- Sam
> 
> *****

When Dean opened his eyes, he was thankful his room was shrouded in darkness. He had a pounding headache and the red glowing numbers on his alarm clock were enough to make him squint his eyes in pain. He was obviously hungover, but could not really remember why he had been drinking, not that he really needed a reason these days.

 

But then it all came back, like a punch in the gut. Cas was in love with him and Dean had kinda rejected him because he couldn’t promise to love him back. And he kind of had said he’d fuck him though. Now, not only his head was hurting like a bitch, but he was having chest pains and had trouble breathing.

 

He knew he was not having a heart attack, or at least not in the traditional sense. He had fucked things up so much, he didn’t think their friendship could ever recover from that. Why did the moron have to fall in love with him? And why did he have to say anything? What was he supposed to do with this information and…

 

Dean jumped out of bed and sprinted towards the bathroom when he felt his stomach lurch and threaten to spill its content all over the blankets. He threw up for what he felt were hours. It was his second alcohol binge in less than 24 hours and, well, it was not agreeing with him. Even when he had nothing left to puke, his body was still under the throes of his dry heaving.

 

When he didn’t think anything could make matters worse, he heard someone come in behind him. Probably Kevin, he thought, since Sam would already have went to his girlfriend’s at this time. Dean had slept for a long time and it was now close to 9pm.

 

\- _You ok?_

 

It was Sam, not Kevin. What the hell was he still doing here? Dean turned around to look at him with daggers in his eyes.

 

\- _Whatta ya think?_ he replied in a slur.

 

Sam just sent him his best bitchface and turned to go back wherever he had come from.

 

\- _You’re a real joy to be around… still, I’ll make you some coffee and something to eat, you need it_ , he said while walking away.

 

Dean didn’t answer, clutching to the toilet bowl harder. He wasn’t sure that even thinking about food was not going to make him puke again. But it didn’t, thankfully. After waiting a little to make sure he could stand on his own, he got up and followed his brother to find him in the kitchen.

 

\- _Sit down! I’m making bacon grilled-cheese sandwiches, it should perk you right up! And take some aspirins, the bottle’s on the table_ , his brother said with an understanding smile.

 

Without protesting, Dean sat at the little table where he downed 2 aspirins with a gulp of the hot coffee. While waiting, he crossed his arms on the table and rested his forehead on the table’s cool surface. Having his eyes closed felt so much better. Now, if he could only stop thinking…

 

\- _Is everything alright, Dean?_ Sam asked while finishing up with their meal.

 

\- _Yeah Sammy, all’s golden_ , he mumbled at the table.

 

His brother placed a plate in front of him and patted his forearm to get his attention.

 

\- _Eat Dean, you’ll feel better_ , he said softly.

 

\- _Thanks Sammy_ , he said, skeptically eying the sandwich, not sure it would go down at all.

 

They ate in silence, not even looking at each other. Sam was being nice and helpful right now, but they still had that whole ordeal from the day before between them. Not that Sam seemed pissed or anything, but it was there, hovering and casting some kind of weird shadow.

 

\- _Listen Sammy, I’m sorry ok?_ Dean finally said, tired and not wishing to tip-toe around the issue. _Sorry I yelled at you and stuff._

 

\- _No worries Dean. You had things to say I guess. Frankly, I thought all this was in the past and dealt with, but it seems it’s still an issue..._

 

\- _Yeah… I do have issues_ , he said with a chuckle.

 

Something else seemed to be making the air heavy, and it was all on Sam. He looked like he had something to say but didn’t know how.

 

\- _Spit it out, Sammy, what’s on your mind?_ Dean finally said when it was clear his brother wasn’t going to say anything.

 

\- _What’s going on with Cas, Dean?_ he then said, looking at him straight in the eye.

 

Honestly, Dean didn’t think that Sam would be asking about Cas, so he was taken aback. He could feel his cheeks flush and his anger bubbling up again. He had just spent hours with the ex-angel, knee deep in emotional crap, he didn’t need it from his brother as well. Especially not on this particular subject.

 

\- _Leave it Sam, nothing’s going on with Cas_ , he warned his brother with a glare.

 

\- _Yeah well, you’re lying. Out of the blue, he asks me to stay away today. Then you guys leave, only to come back and lock yourselves up in your room. If it wasn’t that he stormed out all pissed shortly after, I would have thought you’d finally had resolved that UST you guys share._

 

\- _UST?_ dean said in a strangled voice.

 

\- _Yeah… Unresolved Sexual Tension_ , he explained with a smirk. _That’s what Charlie calls it anyways._

 

\- _What makes you… Fuck... We don’t have a sexual tension thing crap_ , Dean muttered.

 

\- _Oh yeah you do, man. I was sure that with Cas being human and all, you guys would start going at it like rabbits…_

 

Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How the fuck could his brother think he’d be sexing the angel, the MALE angel for that matter. It’s not like he knew Dean was somewhat bi or anything, did he?

 

\- _Are you on drugs, Sammy? Is that girlfriend of yours your pusher?_ Dean asked to try and take the conversation anywhere else.

 

\- _You know I’m not. Stop deflecting._

 

\- _You’re really pissing me off man, get off my back._

 

Sam just kept looking at him, smiling, as if he knew everything about everything. Dean knew that he could just leave the table and he wouldn’t have to deal with this shit, but something was keeping him there. Probably the fact that he hadn’t spent real quality time with his brother in a while. And, frankly, he probably kind of wanted to talk to Sammy about Cas.

 

\- _We can do this another way, Dean_ , his brother finally said again, still smiling, but more gentle than triumphant now. _I could just ask you yes or no questions. No emotional conversations, just facts._

 

Dean still had an angry look on his face but shrugged. It was actually a mighty fine idea, but he was not about to tell him.

 

\- _Great… So, first, did you have sex with Cas?_

 

\- _Geez, Sam, what the fuck! No!_ blurted Dean, his whole face now crimson red.

 

\- _Alright, alright_ , Sam said, laughing, in hands up in submission. _That eliminates a whole bunch of questions I guess._

 

\- _Yeah… you perv!_

 

\- _Ok, so did you talk about what he’s doing when he’s not here then?_

 

\- _Yeah…_ Dean replied without offering details.

 

\- _Is he safe?_

 

\- _I guess, got friends and shit._

 

\- _Great… is he planning on leaving the bunker?_

 

\- _He just might_ , Dean said in a low groan.

 

\- _And it pisses you off, right?_

 

\- _Yeah, I kind of hope people would stop leaving_ , he said, offering his brother a pointed look.

 

Sam did not respond to the obvious jab, instead gaving him a grave look. He inhaled sharply before asking his next question.

 

\- _Dean… are you pissed Cas would leave because you're in love with him?_

 

\- _Again with the love crap! Can’t I just want my friend to fucking stick around?_

 

\- _Of course… but…_

 

\- _No buts man, I’m done!_ Dean said angrily, getting up from his chair.

 

\- _If you must know, the idiot’s in love with me and I can’t promise him the same, so he’ll probably leave for good now… Happy?_ Dean shouted at his brother before opening the fridge and taking a beer.

 

\- _Really Dean, a beer?  Didn’t you have enough today?_

 

\- _Fuck you, Sam. Go back to wherever and leave me the fuck alone._

 

\- _I’m staying here tonight, Dean. You can be pissed at me and sulk all you want, but I’ll be here if you need to talk._

 

\- _Yeah well, no thanks, Oprah! I’ll be… anywhere else!_

 

So Dean went back to his room and slammed the door. God, he felt like a pissy teenager, but he couldn’t have this discussion with his brother. He kind of wish he could though. It would probably be nice to not be so emotionally retarded, share thoughts and feelings and crap. Most of all, maybe it would help him make sense of it all.

 

He wondered when his brother had stopped being his go-to-guy for when his life turned to crap. Dean would bitch about chick-flick moments, but they had had his fair share of touchy-feely discussions in the past. Maybe he could just grow a pair and go over everything with his over sensitive but intelligent sibling. Dean desperately needed a way to keep Cas around and couldn’t think of anything at this point.

 

\- _Saaaaaaaam!_ he finally yelled towards the door, hoping he’d be heard.

 

It didn’t take long for his brother to open the door enough and peek his head through, a questioning look on his face.

 

\- _Yeah? Wanna yell at me some more?_ he said, not without a glint in his eye.

 

\- _Shut up and come in. You’re right, I need to talk about it. Ask your questions_ , Dean said with a tight smile.

 

\- _Ok, but just… don’t run away again. We’ll never get through it otherwise_ , he warned with a wink while sitting on the bed.

 

\- _Yeah yeah, just go already!_

 

\- _So… you say Cas is in love with you, but you’re not?_

 

\- _It’s more complicated than that, Sammy. But I guess that right now, the answer would be no. Not in love._

 

\- _Are you sure?_

 

Dean wanted to spit back some nasty comment at him, but decided against it. He needed to hash this out.

 

\- _Yeah… well, I guess. I imagine I’d know if I was in love, right?_

 

\- _You? Not a chance in hell you’d know_ , Sam answered with a smile.

 

\- _Maybe…_

 

\- _Do you… well, I mean… are you attracted to Cas?_

 

Dean just nodded without looking at his brother. This was getting so fucking personal.

 

\- _And you’re not comfortable liking a guy, is that it?_

 

Well… there was THE question, Dean knew the “gay” issue would come up. Sam didn’t know about his past “indiscretions”, so of course he’d think Dean was freaking out about the dick thing.

 

\- _No Sammy, it has nothing to do with it. And if you should know, it wouldn’t be my first guy on guy experience. It was a long time ago, and I didn’t tell nobody, so no need to freak out, it’s just what is, ok?_

 

Seeing the expression on Sam’s face was so worth it. Dean had no choice but to roar in laughter at the dumbfounded look. That would teach his little brother to assume stuff about him. He was still laughing when Sam spoke again.

 

\- _Ok, so what’s the problem then? You might not know it yet, but you ARE in love with Cas, anyone with a set of eyes and a bit of common sense knows this. How do you not?_

 

\- _You’re such a sentimental girl, Samantha_ , he huffed between laughs. _I like the guy very much, but I’m not sure it’s romantic is all. And yeah, I’d fuck the guy, but I wasn’t in love with all these other girls either._

 

\- _Well, did you want the other girls to stick around?_

 

\- _I didn’t even know them_ , Dean replied, very much aware of how bad it sounded. _I want Cas to stay… but we can’t be… physical… if it means we’ll be… I don’t know… What if I can’t do relationship and I just end up fucking it all up? I can’t do this, Sammy._

 

Dean was serious and uneasy again. He couldn’t believe he was having that kind of talk with his little brother.

 

\- _Dean… after everything that’s happened with Cas over the years, you still want him around, you’re super worried about him when he’s not there, you’re pissed that he might consider leaving for good, you even… desire him_ , he finished after clearing his throat. _How is this not a perfect setup for a successful relationship? Aren’t you even considering it?_

 

\- _Sam, I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have. If I can’t be his… boyfriend, partner, whatever… If I can’t be what he wants, it’ll just… hurt so much, you know?  I know it would hurt the fuck out of me!_

 

And there it was, finally, the real issue was right there. Sam smiled softly at his brother’s words but didn’t say anything. Dean would certainly need a minute to realise what he had just said. So Sam waited patiently with an expectant look.

 

If Dean ever realised what had just happened, he didn’t say anything. But he did look at his brother with a new light in his eyes, a light Sam could have called one of wisdom if they ever were to talk about it.

 

\- _Get out Sam, go back to your girl_ , Dean said softly before hugging his brother, then pushing him out of his room. _I have a call to make._

  
Now, he could only hope the call he was to make would be answered.


	6. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What I don’t want is to not be able to love you like you should be, not love you enough. I am very bad at relationships, Cas. I’m afraid I’ll break you and you’ll hate me and I’ll never see you again because I couldn’t love you properly. And I’m afraid you’ll do the same to me."
> 
> \- Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This last part was more difficult than I intended, for some reason I probably don't want to look into anyways. But I was happy to finally be able to finish this. I know there were other intrigues that could have been resolved as well, but this particular story was the one I really wanted to tell. 
> 
> You can tell sex or porn or whatever is not my thing, but hey... still had fun writing it!
> 
> Thanks for reading and the kudos you left, it is very much appreciated! :-)
> 
>  
> 
> *****

Because it was getting late, Dean debated for some time before deciding to send a text to Castiel instead of calling. He would probably be spending the night at his... at Tina’s… and he didn’t feel like he should wake anybody up. Also, he thought a text would just be more discreet, and he could appreciate that.

 

**[Dean 11:39 PM]**

I’m sorry. Call me back please. AT ANY HOUR!

 

He sighed, set down his phone on the bedside table and turned off the lamp. He wasn’t really tired, having slept all day, but he didn’t feel like getting up either. Plus, his alcoholic coma-like slumber from earlier was hardly a resting one. If he could lay off the booze for at least a day, he might not feel so sick when he sees Cas again. If he sees him, that is.

The blue glow and buzzing from his phone made his heart do somersaults. He picked-it up to see that it was not a call coming in, but rather a text message. And not from Cas…

 

**[Charlie 11:55 PM]**

*SQUEEEEEEE* *SWOON* <3 <3 <3

 

**[Dean 11:56 PM]**

Use your words Charlie

 

**[Charlie 11:56 PM]**

did u catch your angel? ;)

 

**[Dean 11:57 PM]**

Sam told you?

 

**[Charlie 11:57 PM]**

of course   
so u love Cas?

 

**[Dean 11:58 PM]**

Sam is a gossiping bitch

 

**[Dean 11:58 PM]**

I dunno for Cas

 

**[Dean 11:59 PM]**

Maybe

 

**[Charlie 11:59 PM]**

u called him?

 

**[Dean 12:00 AM]**

Sent a text. It’s late. Might call tomorrow.

 

**[Charlie 12:01 AM]**

don’t let him fly away ;)    
if you want him pursue him.  
be relentless.

 

Dean is happy his friend could not see him right now as he felt his face flaring up in embarrassment. He didn’t do “pursue” and “relentlessness”, not in that area anyways. He usually took what was offered and then left without thinking about it ever again. But if Cas was pissed at him, and he wanted him in his life, he might have to grovel a bit, she was right about that.

 

**[Charlie: 12:03 AM]**

don’t be ashamed we all do it at some point :D

 

He looked at his phone, only half-surprised that she’d seem to know what he was feeling right about now.

 

**[Dean: 12:04 AM]**

I swear you’re a witch Bradbury! When do we see you?

 

**[Charlie: 12:04 AM]**

soon.   
less than 3 weeks.   
i will call when i know for sure

 

**[Charlie: 12:05 AM]**

seriously i’m happy for u.   
u deserve love in your life so go 4 it.

 

**[Dean: 12:06 AM]**

No happy yet, we’ll see how it goes. But thanks. Take care Charlie, see you soon!

 

**[Charlie: 12:06 AM]**

u 2   
c u l8tr   
10-4   
<3

 

Dean rolled his eyes at Charlie’s last message, but still chuckled. He couldn’t do anything but think this girl was the most adorable thing on the planet. Strong as hell, but still delicate and peppy. She reminded him so much of Jo… they could have been great friends, he thought with a pinch of sadness.

Putting back the phone on the table, he got back under the cover with a low growl. What the fuck was happening to him? He was starting to feel like the biggest girl ever, bigger than Sam, with feelings spewing all over the place. Maybe he was sick or something. Or maybe he had been cursed, that could have happened, right?

Seeing as he had been spending pretty much all his time in the batcave for a while now, he kind of doubted that could have happened. Unless… No. The problem was actually being stuck here. He needed the open road like a fish needed water, or something. He needed to hunt and kill monsters. He needed to know the ones he loved were safe. He needed his brother. He needed Cas…

I’m a needy bitch, he concluded before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

 

 

For the second morning in a row, he woke up with a strong smell of coffee up his nose, but this time it was most welcome as he was not under the throes of a hangover. He opened his eyes to find a fresh cup of coffee on his bedside table, but nobody was there. Next to it was his phone, without any new texts or missed calls. He swallowed hard, but tried to remind himself that it was still early. Cas could still be sleeping or having breakfast or whatever.

He got up, picked-up the coffee and his phone, fresh clothes, and went to the bathroom. He’d make sure he was ready to go out if need be, or at least be presentable if Cas came back. Even if they were to only talk on the phone, he’d feel better all washed-up and dressed. And if need be, it would give him the confidence to “pursue” Cas as Charlie had put it.

Plus, he kind of stunk anyways, so it was necessary, for everybody’s sake.

 

 

He might have been clean and smelling nice, but none of that mattered when he got to the kitchen and saw Castiel sitting at the counter, reading some newspaper and sipping on a cup of coffee. He was lucky he didn’t let go of his own mug he was so surprised.

\- _Good morning, Dean_ , he said without looking up from the paper. _Slept well?_

\- _Good… yeah, good morning. Sleep good_ , he stuttered back.

\- _So I decided I would come here instead of calling, I hope that’s ok with you?_

Dean was taken aback by Cas’ hastiness to go back there. He would have hoped a bit of wavering, of dancing around the subject, something Dean was good at. Apparently, Castiel was good at taking the bull by the horns.

\- _Yeah, sure, s’great_ , he said with a bashful smile. _Didn’t expect it though. But it’s good._

\- _Wanna do this here or…?_

\- _My room…_ suggested Dean, hoping he wouldn’t say no. It was still the most private place for them to be at.

\- _Fine_ , he said, taking both their mugs and refilling them. _Shall we?_

Castiel gave Dean back his cup and led the way to the room as if it was his own. The hunter followed silently, trying to interpret his friend’s mood, but it was close to impossible. He was calm, unwavering, no strong emotions showing through his posture. Pretty much like when he was still an angel actually.

Once in the room, Castiel sat on the bed this time, leaving his cup on the bedside table. Dean hesitated between sitting next to him on the bed, or on the chair as the ex-angel had done the day before. He really wanted to sit next to him, needed to be close. So he sat on the bed but sideways, hoping he’d do the same so they’d be face to face. Thankfully, Castiel got the clue and turned to face his friend.

Now able to look at him directly, Dean could not decipher any more emotions than before. The former angel was sporting an excellent poker face, nothing was showing through. Dean could just look at him, eyes locked to his, in the hopes he’d find the answers he was looking for. Just like they did before, when they could seemingly have entire conversations without uttering a single word.

Cas had closed the gates, nothing peering through the blue, so Dean felt pretty much alone. He exhaled loudly and closed his eyes, unable to look at his friend anymore. He thought back to Charlie’s words, how to pursue Cas and be relentless. Could he do that? Did he have the right?

\- _I can’t say that I’m in love with you Cas_ , Dean finally said, keeping his eyes shut. _Because I don’t know. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love, you know? I might have thought so at some point, but… I really don’t know._

He couldn’t even hear Castiel’s breathing, so he had no indication on how what he was saying was received. Still, he kept his eyes closed, not ready to face whatever might transpire in the ex-angel’s features.

\- _What I can say though, is that I like you a whole lot Cas, you don’t even know. I don’t even hesitate when I say that you’re as important to me as Sam is. I can’t imagine my life without either of you. If you left us, well, if you left me, I’d be crushed, man._

Still nothing from Cas, but Dean couldn’t stop, he was too far gone already.

- _What I don’t want is to not be able to love you like you should be, not love you enough. I am very bad at relationships, Cas. I’m afraid I’ll break you and you’ll hate me and I’ll never see you again because I couldn’t love you properly. And I’m afraid you’ll do the same to me._

Dean couldn’t stand it anymore and opened his eyes, only to find a very emotional Castiel in front of him, eyebrows knitted together and eyes glassy with tears. He felt his own eyes fill up but fought back, he wasn’t done yet.

\- _Do you understand what I’m telling you, Cas?_ he asks softly, wanting to make sure they were on the same page.

\- _I… I think so Dean_ , he answered hesitantly. _You like me very much but we cannot be together because we might hurt each other too much._

\- _Damn Cas…_ he said, shaking his head. _I knew I was bad at this. That’s not AT ALL what I’m saying, man._

\- _Then, what Dean?_ asked Castiel, tilting his head slightly, in that manner Dean liked so much. He couldn’t help but to smile fondly at the sight.

\- _What I’m saying is that I like you very much, and yes, I’m afraid we’ll hurt each other, and I really don’t know what I’m doing. But I think we should still try, because… I can’t lose you. And, it’s not like I feel obligated or anything, you know? I mean, I really want this, I’m really attracted to you_ , he added quickly.

As to accentuate the importance of his words, he took Castiel’s hands in his and intertwined their fingers together. He could not look at him in the eyes, not right now, as he felt he would forget all about what he still needed to say. He just brought their hands to his mouth and kissed a couple of his friends digits before going on again.

\- _I can’t promise forever, even if I’d like to. I can’t even promise next week because I’ve always lived day to day. And if you can’t accept that, I understand Cas, I really do. But I’m not lying when I say that I’d be willing to try and build something with you, I just can’t think about it too much. And just knowing you’d be here tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after… it makes me fucking happy._

\- _Dean…_

\- _Just a sec, Cas, there’s one more thing_ , Dean says quickly, tightening his grip on Castiel’s hands. _You need to know that, if that’s not for you, if what I’m offering’s not good enough, well I’ll still be your friend. That’ll never change. I swear to G…_

He is interrupted by Castiel’s forceful mouth on his. It is warm, and smooth, and soft, and Dean can only bring his hands around his friend’s neck to bring him closer, parting his lips to deepen the kiss, their tongues soon waltzing, colliding, prodding and tasting. But after a while, they just had to stop, gasping for air, foreheads and noses touching, basically breathing in each other’s mouth.

Dean swallowed loudly, brushed the side of his face against Castiel’s, stubble against stubble, bringing his lips to ghost a kiss just below the man’s ear. They weren’t done talking, Dean thought, but his heart was stammering in his chest, his throat was dry and Cas smelled and tasted so good. He brought his arms around his back and squeezed their bodies together just so he wouldn’t think of leaving. There’d be time to talk later. For now, he just wanted to feel him close.

He could feel Castiel’s lips on his neck, then the tip of his tongue, followed by little puffs of breath that gave him goosebumps. Dean started to wonder if he'd learned this little trick from Tina, but he was distracted by the hands underneath his t-shirt that were making their way up on his sides and back. He shivered and let go a bit of his hold on Castiel. That’s all the man needed to bring his hands to Dean's torso, gently grazing the hunter's nipples with his fingers.

\- _Cas_ , breathed Dean. _Hold on…_

\- _Don’t worry Dean_ , Cas mumbled, nibbling at his friend’s jaw. _I get it... I understand... I do not... expect anything... more than what... you are... offering._

Castiel kisses him again, much more passionately than before, and Dean is right up there with him. He cannot deny how turned on he is by his friend, and only now somehow realises that this had been in the back of his mind for a long time. Before long, hands were everywhere, clothes were flying off, every inch of skin was being kissed and explored. At some point they were lying on the bed, face to face and limbs tangled, with only their underwear left.

They were taking a little break from the kissing, looking in each other’s eyes just as they used to do. Ok, maybe not exactly as they used to do, but it was just as nice. Maybe even better, Dean thought. And he couldn’t resist to just bring his palm to Castiel’s face, softly brushing the hair off his forehead and bringing his palm to his stubbled cheek. He lightly kissed his friend’s lips and brought his body closer.

He could feel his dick brushing against his friend’s, both of them pretty hard now. He needed release, they both did. He started rocking his hips so their cocks would brush together and, damn, that felt fucking good. As if on cue, they each brought a hand down to the other one’s ass and grabbed a handful, needing something to hold on. Castiel shifted a bit to get to a better angle and started moving in unison with Dean, eyes still fixed to each other's.

They didn’t last long, both stirring restlessly, grunting and panting, until they climaxed calling each other’s names.

It took them a little while to come back down. They stayed there, motionless and covered in sweat, Dean with his forehead to Castiel’s shoulder and Castiel with his face in Dean’s neck. For how much time they stayed that way, they wouldn’t know, but at some point, they had to move. Their underwear were quickly getting uncomfortable and they needed to get under the covers if they were to stay naked.

And Dean really was not objecting to the idea of being naked with Cas right about now.

They took off their soiled shorts and Dean used some paper tissues to clean them both before they got under the covers. He might not advertise it, but Dean kind of liked to cuddle after sex. Falling asleep with someone in his arms was very pleasant, depending on who it was, of course. Cassie and Lisa had been good examples of that.

Cas would be the first man he had ever wanted to do this with. And he was very much liking the weight and warmth in his arms.

For the first time in a very long time, he was able to go to sleep without a negative thought in his mind, but rather with a smile on his lips.


End file.
